Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
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12:32 am - Welcome back to me!!!!!!!!
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SO... this is the first day I've been alert and able bodied and energized enough to log on *lol* I'm doing ok... Still very very very sore. But I'm glad it's over. It wound up being an over night stay as the surgery was a bit more complicated than initially thought to be. My gallbladder was pretty scarred and was embedded in my liver. Sound oh so pleasant huh??? *lol* anyhow. I'm gallbladder free now. Yay! no other new news really.. I appreciate all the love... ahem. Especially,from you FGCUSabre. Seeing as no one else posted to me :( oh well. THat's it for now...
current mood:  sore
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, May 16th, 2003
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3:48 am - Wish me luck....
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Soooo... wish me luck everyone. I go under the knife today. I'm having my gallbladder removed. It's a pretty routine surgery..so I'm not horribly concerned. But IT IS surgery and so understandably a tad nervous. Not much else going on really.
OH... guy who blew me off yesterday called today. I'm not sure what to think. I didn't totally let him off of the hook though. But...I guess I'll give him a chance to redeem himself. IF he hadn't been the one to call me then...nope, no way Jose, uh-uh, it ain't happenin' But... he did call.. so I'll be a tad lenient. He invited me to go to a concert...has backstage passes...LL cool J. So that should be fun. Worth it JUST to ogle LL... he's such a freakin' hottie!!!!!!!!!!! I have to becareful not to leave the front of my shirt soaked though from drooling over him... mmmm he's yummy. He's a big hunk-a hunk-a burnin' YUMMMMMM!
Ok.. I'm salivating already...enough about that. So that's it folks...keep me in your thoughts and prayers today. I'll be back home by tonight...sooo send love! bye
current mood:  nervous
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, May 15th, 2003
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4:19 am - I STILL HATE THEM......the Penis Posse
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ugh... so.. yet again. I get blown off. I love it. I don't undersatnd what the hell is going on here!!!!! I'm a intelligent, fun, reasonable, laid back, chick with a good sense of humor. And according to others I'm pretty cute. So why is it that men feel the need to blow me off?? I me.. isn't that the girls job really anyhow??? *lol* j/k BUT REALLY... I honestly don't get it. I just don't get it. why why why why why. It transformed me into psycho bitch for a moment tonight though. Because one guy blew me off tonight.. I finally got a hold of the last guy who did that to me... and I seriously reamed him out.. I bitched his ass out.. well until he hung up on me *lol* but. I got in most of what I wanted to say. And I think I made my point ASSHOLE! Don't FUCK iwth me. better yet. Don't FUCK with my head. I'm not into games... I don't play games!!! I'm really straight forward about things. If all you want is a fuck... LET ME KNOW THAT!!! If ya want something more than that...LET ME KNOW!!! Let me know what ground to stand on. I take things at face value. So if ya say. Yeah.. I want to see you.. I'm going to assume that you want to see me!!!!! Why feel the need to lie. I'd really MUCH rather ya tell me that you didn't want tosee me then to lie to me and then blow me off.. becuase then just instead of being rejected... you're lied to AND rejected. One is enough for me thanks. UGH! Ok. That's enough of my rant... ta ta
current mood:  irate
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
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9:46 pm - Just a thought....
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isn't it wonderful how one of your closest friends that you've known for 15 years can dismiss you for a guy that she just met 6 days ago.
Further proof that men suck....because they make women suck too!!!
(not meant literally, you PERV!!! *lol*)
current mood: baffled
current music: Untouchable Face-Ani DiFranco
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
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3:14 am - ho hum....
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So. It was an average day. Had a migraine all day so that kind of put a damper on things. fun fun. I'm getting kind of anxious about the surgery I have coming up. I'm having my gallbladder removed next friday. it's not so muhc the surgery as the anesthesia that worries me. Tehy say that asthmatics are more prone to complications with anesthetics. So I guess that worries me a tad. eh.... Well sorry there's not too much more interesting to write of. bye for now
current mood: anxious
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(comment on this)
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Monday, May 5th, 2003
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2:42 am - ok...sooo.. I STILL HATE BOYS!!!!
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so. I told you of Paco. Well I haven't heard much from Paco in a week. so fuck him. he got his second chance and now it's over. over done over over OVER!!! Damn it. I'm just tired of being single. And I'm tired of all the games that go along with dating. tired Tired TIRED I SAY!!!!! UGH. I've decided that what I need to do... it just find a sugar daddy. because at least I'd have a guy who's good for SOMETHING!!!Sorry... that was a bit harsh...but that's about how I'm feeling right now. I mean... I'm a cute attractive intelligent girl...and I have a sense of hmor and everything...is it not enough??? I mean. o I deserve to be blown off by the guys who are coming after me telling me, "hey...I'm interested." then they pursue me enough to peak my interestt..and then they blow me off... shit on me...push me to the side. GRRR it makes me sooooooo mad!!!! I HATE BOYS. And I say boys because as of yet in my dating history I have yet to meet a MAN!
current mood: aggravated
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
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1:42 am - BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ok... so I never did fill in the post regarding why again I'm being confused by Ye members of the Penis Posse...MALES! SO, here goes. About ohhhh 2 months ago I was in a PURELY physical relationship with this guy. When it turned into something that became purely on his terms I ended things. I hadn't heared from him since. I had been tempted to call...just to see how he was doing, but I didn't want him to think I was calling for a hook up. So I never called. So like I said... I hadn't heard from him since.
THEN! Out of the blue, Friday night I get an IM from someone with an unfamiliar SN. He says hi. I say hi...do I know you? and he replies, (we'll just call him Paco) "it's Paco" I was SHOCKED.
Paco: What are you doing?
Me: nothing, why?
Paco: I'd like to talk to you I'll call in 5 mins
Me: ummmmm.... ok?
Phone rings
Me: Hi
Paco: Hey...how ya been?
Me: I'm ok...
Paco: well you said you're not busy...and I would really like to talk toyou. I have some apologizing to do. Will you meet me somewhere
Me: ok
So we arrange where we're going to meet and ten minutes later the phone rings again. ANd it's Paco. He says he ight as well just come over becasue he jumped in his car as soon as he got off the CPU and had called while on the road and now he was alright at the Exit he needed to get off of to get to my place. So I say ok...but as he's getting here decide to suggest going to grab coffe somewhere b/c I didn't want him to think that it was going to be THAT easy. So He gets here. ANd I go down and oopne the door. I give him a hug hello and suggest coffee. He says that sounded like a good idea but that he needed to pee. So we go up to the apartment and I let him in and then follow in and turn around and sht the door. And as I turn back around he takes my face in his hands and kisses me. Not a "I wanna fuck you" kiss but one of those so-romantic-they-only-happen-in-movie-kisses. Then he pulls back my hand still between his hands rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs then nods and says."yeah...we definitely need to talk" so we head back out and get to Denny's. And we talk. He starts by producing a total apology for the crap that happened before and during the point that i broke things off. Then goes on to give me his daitng history, yada yada yada. And ends the conversastion with this
Paco: So, I find myself here back at square one. And thinking back on on my relationships to find that...even though it was just a physical relationship. You're the best I've had.
Me: (in my head) WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the fuck is going on here?
So, we finish coffee and decide to head back. and in the car I'm absorbing everything...and there's a lot to absorb.
Me: So...I appreciate the apology. And I'm glad we've gotten to talk. But why??? What do you want from me???
Paco:Well, I want to see you again. I guess start thngs where we left off
Me: I'm not at the place anymore. It's not what I want.
Paco: well...what do you want
Me: I don't want to be just a "fuck" I'm better than that...and I want more than that. I want someone who's interested in getting to know me. Some one who will respect me, b/c with respect comes, trust honesty, communication, etc. And I want some one who's willing to at least ATTEMPT to put into the relationship as much effort as I do. I don't necessarily want a "relatioship" right now...but I want that potential to be there.
Paco: I can do that
Me: And I don't want it to be just about sex. And not that I don't want to...b/c physically I REALLY do. But emotionally I son't want to have sex right off of the bat. because at this point...physically it feels good for the moment but sex for the sake of sex emotionally leaves me feeling really empty.
Paco: ok...(grimaces and smiles) I can respect that.
So then we sit on the couch. and just cuddle, and kiss and stuff. And then he had to get going. And as he left he promised to keep in close touch with me...regularly. and so I shut the dorr...but then I opened it again
Me: Paco, please don't make me regret this. Because I didn't get upset the last time. But if you make me regret this. I WILL get very upset. And I don't want that.
Paco: (smile) I won't.
So we said goodbyes and he left. He called me on sundayand we talked online last night too. And I'm excited yet really weary. SO THAT FOLKS IS WHY I"M CONFUSED, CONTEMPLATIVE AND PERPLEXED!
current mood: purplexed
current music: You don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
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7:19 pm - No Subject....
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Well isn't this fun. I'm at work. On break. MMM I'm eating a BT...I left out the L and sweet potato fries.. I'm sure you all just find that exhiliratingly interesting! *lol* I'm just a tad bored. If ya couldn't tell. I have some minor events to type about later....not enoug break time to really get into it. No bad news. Just more to ponder regarding the male sex. but again... no bad news! So.. I guess that's about it folks. I'm going to go back to the mindless dribble that constitute my employment...Have fun folk
current mood:  busy
current music: I don't wanna work I just wanna bang on the drums all day!!!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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2:35 am - Hello!
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Well... In the world of Marissa no news is good news. I'm finally getting over this cold/sinus infection thing!!!! YEAH!! Makes me so Happy. The Semester is almost at an end... And I'm almost starting to panic becauase I was told today that summer employment at the University isn't very reliable until the end of JUNE!!! which sucks. So I have to try and figure something out so I'm not totally broke off of my ass *lol*. But things are good. Funny how when things are going well I don't seem to have quite as much to talk about. OH.. I wanted to say thanks to FGCUsabre (spelling?) for the welcome back!!!
current mood:  content
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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2:21 am - It's been awhile....
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welll..hmmmm... it's been so long I'm not quite sure where to start?? First of all i'd like to apologize to those on my friends list for not keeping up..etc. Guess life just got ahead of me *lol* THings have kind of settled down to a more regular pace. Nothing amazing to go on about...but no news is good news as they say. I'm still living with my roommate. And things have improved on that front. I'm still single. Which I guess is fine for now. Though... I think I'm finally ready for something more whenever that happens to come along... Ummm hmmm let's see. Guess that's it for now.
current mood: sore
current music: Norah Jones
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, February 17th, 2003
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1:22 am - another quiz...
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 About Your Kissing Style: Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them. You are the perfect - with the right combo of lips and tongue. It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates! What Your Kissing Style Says About You:You're 100% hot, and you know it. You're all about being sexy, all the time. You have no trouble scoring dates or kisses ... Just trouble getting rid of jealous people trying to show you up! You attract attention from every hot guy and girl... even before you show off your kissing skills. Your Personal Kissing Matches and Mismatches:Go out with another Juicy Kisser and you'll be the power couple of the party. Sure, you'll have a ton of hot kisses, but only after everyone there has checked you guys out. Hook it up with a Romantic Kisser and you may have found your soulmate. Romantic Kissers will be attracted to your appeal, and you'll appreciate their loyalty. Keep away from Carnal Kissers! They'll just try to play you for sex, and ruin your reputation in a heartbeat. And Freaky Kissers are way too wild and rough for your style. You prefer pleasure to pain, thank you very much. How Do *You* Kiss?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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11:58 pm - mmmmmmmm.....Caaaan-deeeeeee
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8:34 pm
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well well well. Do you ever have just so much going on that you have nothing to write about? I mean, nothing seems more significant thatn anything else going on, and there's just too much going on to write about so you just have nothing to write about? THat's how things seem right now. It's been a steady plateau...which upon looking at it is better than what it could be. Things have simmered between my roommate and I. But it's still stressful. I feel like I have to draw some really distinct lines so as my words nor actions are misleading or misunderstood. But it's very difficult. Things like snuggling up on the couch, which I would do with any of my other friends (male or female) could be misconstrued. So I've drawn a line on it/ Though it's hard because it's hard for justin to accept, I hate seeing the confusion, and it makes things kind of tense. But, I don't want to take the chance of anything being misread. He's still hanging on to the notion of him and I as a "we." I wish he would let go of it and realize that he needs to work on himself for HIM. No one else...not even me. I think he knows that but it hasyet to forn as a realization. He's constantly questioning what it is he needs in order to "have" me. And it's not about that. I dunno.
On a completely ironic note...I got more Valentine's Day gifts this year as a single gal than I have any other year. And this is the first time in 5 or 6 years that I've been single. Hmmm... It was a decent day though. I worked my ass off to get out of work early and surprise my friends out at the bar. I've known Suzi and Marie since 2nd and 3rd grade respectively. Needless to say, they're two of my best friends. I surprised the hell out of them. It was great. Felt good to walk into the bar and have people screaming my name. *LOL* We had a few drinks....and belted out Alanis with the jukebox. it's the first time in a VERY long time that all of us have been single simultaneously. so we closed out the bar...then we went back to their apartment. We hung out there until about 5:30 am then went and got breakfast. I finally fell into my bed at about 6:30am. I miss going out like that. Unfortunately...I'mthe only one out of all of my friends who's schedule allows for night owl-like occassions. We used to pull nights like that routinely. Oh well...ahhhhh the memories.
Night
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Friday, February 14th, 2003
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3:41 am - undecided
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So I have posted in a few days becuase I've been thinking. I've been comtemplating discontinuing my journal. I started this journal in order to have a method to vent and get stuff off of my chest anonymously. Not because I have anythign to hide, but because sometimes it's beneficial to have that feed back from an unbiased, uninvolved third party. Now that purpose has been somewhat violated. That doesn't really upset me as much as the fact that someone I know doesn't feel that he can confront me on how he feels. I have a pretty good idea who made the anonymous statements. Though, I don't find that particularly important at this point. I guess that my hesitance comes from the fact that I would rather that those who know me confront me face to face. I find it very disappointing that those who know me will take the low road in not being held accountable for the things they say. So, this is where my discouragement lies. I know that keeping a journal on here puts me on the line of possible fire. However to have the fire come from friends or acquantences, and hang out with them not knowing which one of them has called me a "whore" puts me in a very unfair position. sooo...to my LJ friends...what do you think? I'm stuck in the middle, I don't want to let somethng like that keep me from soemthing that I've found benefical and enjoyalbe...but I also don't want to be left in a vulnerable position. Should I continue on with my journal? or should I call it quits? Post your comments. I'd appreciate your feedback. .
current mood:  contemplative
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, February 10th, 2003
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1:09 am - my final reply to the coward....
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Well, today was Justin's first day back home. We went to church together this morning and then spent the rest of the day just hanging out. I thought it would be more awkward than it was. It's been a fun day actually.
So here's what I have to say to the anonymous coward who keeps posting hurtful comments. YOU ARE WRONG! I was speaking to Justin to day about all of the things that were said. And he said that I shouldn't let it get to me. I will not be forgotten or brushed aside because in Justin's own words, I AM his best friend. Even though things have been difficult for me in many of these situations I have always been a support to Justin. I was wrong in allowing you to make me doubt that. Yes, mistakes may have been made. But, when it all comes down to it. I'm there for Justin, and he's here for me. And that's not something that's going to stop here. And if you can say the things that you have said, maybe it's you that's not the true friend. Thanks again to those of you who have been POSITIVE in showing your support for both Justin AND I during these times. We are both greatly appreciative!
current mood: content
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, February 9th, 2003
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2:51 am
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hmmm... well I guess. Well. I just finished reading some comments to my journal entry from the 7th. It's pretty upsetting...and at the same time infuriating when soemone who says they know you says that you're iehter messed up or a whore...yet says these things anonymously. I think that takes a lot of balls. I guess I post this entry to say that if you don't believe enoughin what you're sayign to 'fess up to it, Then stay quiet...say nothing. Yet if you insist on continuing to comment anonymously...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I'm not sure how to block anonymous posts, so in turn I request that you not post anonymously to my journal.
current mood: infuriated
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, February 8th, 2003
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3:14 am - On a lighter note.........
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2:53 am - Roommate Update (he he...that rhymes!)
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Hello again. So update. Justin's doing well. It was quite a surprise when I went to the hospital just to visit, and found out I was taking him home. It was rather stressful at first because I wasn't ready for him to come home yet. And he said that he told the staff there that he wasn't either. But they needed the bed and in turn, pushed him out of the door. This being said, I was rather nervous about it all. I have to work...and I didn't want him left home alone. I went in to work late though. and we figured something out for the meantime. He's staying with one of his bestfriends until sunday. Which I think will be really helpful. I wouldn't be able to work knowing he was here by himself and wondering if everything was goign to be ok by the time I got home. We talked a lot when he got home. It's soooo hard, because I love Justin very much. Despite all of the arguements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings he's become one of my best friends. And I've become his. It was hard to look into his eyes while we were talking because I could see and feel all the hurt, all the shame and guilt... and I didn't want him to feel that. We hugged a lot. He was so afraid of me not wanting to even be friends with him aymore. He was so afraid of me givign up on him...and our friendship. But, He knows I'm totally here for him. And he knows I'm going to continue to be here for him.. that I'm going to still be a major source of support for him. Even if/when I move out. I just think that moving out will make it easier for him to cope. Sometimes you need to put physical distance between you when you attempting to put emotional distance in place. He needs to accept that although I love him as my friend, I'm not ready for a serious relationship. And he himself, has a lot to work on within himself before he should consider getting into a relationship. And I think that friendship will be easier if I'm not here 24/7.
current mood: relieved
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(comment on this)
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Friday, February 7th, 2003
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12:44 am - long long day.
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sooo....everyone all at once now. b/c I don't want to hear it over and over again....TOLD YOU SO!!! (yes, directed towards me) There was a big enormous downfall with my roommate today. A lot of shit happened. He violated some really thin lines. And after realizing what he did he became very upset, ashamed and apologtic. And then he grabbed a knife and started threatening to kill himself. It was pretty scary. I got him to put the knife down. But I couldn't get him calm enough that I felt comfortable waiting for someone else to get here. I kept telling him to calm down...and he wouldn't. So, I called 911. I know I did the right thing. But I HATE that it came down to this. He just can't seem to accept that I don't want to be with him romantically. So now I face the ever daunting task of....well, of many things. I don't want to leave him hanging as a friend. Although I have every right to. But he really is a good person. And he really is my friend. And so I want to be there for him. But, I've also decided that while I want to be here for him, I don't want to physically be here anymore. I need to move. For the sake of both of us. I don't want to move again. I HATE moving. I hate Packing....but what else can I do? I'm at a loss. I keep trying and trying to keep my head up... but my shoulders are creeping up to ear level. I'm just trying to focus on breathing. Big deep relaxing breathes....I hate it when stress makes breathing such a task.
I know it's not my fault. But I feel partially responsible. Like I should have drawn more harsh lines from the get go. Like I should have moved out wehn things weren't changing. I dunno. Everyone says I did everything that I could...and that I did the right thing, and that it's not my fault...however, I can't help wondering if there was someting else I should've/could've done. who knows?????????
current mood: distressed
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, February 6th, 2003
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3:43 am - fun test....thanks vixee
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sweetrains's journal
